Dear Mystery Man,

I don't know how long you have been following my blog, but if you have, then you will know by now that I’ve been in love with love for as long as I can remember. 

You would have learnt that despite the unfortunate things that have happened to me, I remain optimistic, idealistic, almost to the point of being foolish. I suppose you could say, I have the faith of a mustard seed.

But for a while there I wasn’t sure you had read my blog entitled: To the Man Who Will Love Me. I wasn’t sure you had grasped what I had stated in my open letter to you. And for one horrible moment, I doubted you even existed. 

I was wrong. 

You are out there, perhaps wishing upon a star.

In case you're wondering what I am on about, well, let me break it down for you. A few days ago, the dandiest thing happened: I was at work when a colleague came to tell me there was a man outside, looking for me.

Was it a relative? A friend? A bearer of bad news, perhaps?

It turns out, it was just the delivery man. 

I must tell you, Mystery Man, that you fulfilled one of my fantasies. Thank you for the gorgeous flowers, for Mr Teddy who has since become my most treasured companion, the beautiful message on the card and the voucher which I will squander with little guilt.

   

Could this be the beginning of something amazing? 

Clearly, I am over the moon, but let us not get ahead of ourselves. 

I am not naïve, thanks to this thing called life. The path to true love, I've learnt, is never easy. I’ve tried and failed before. But I have learnt from my mistakes.

And this is what I've learnt:

Passion and emotions can swell our hearts for a time, but it is through some seasons in our lives that truly capture the very essence of the kind of love that our hearts long for so much. Seasons when nothing seems to be working. When nothing makes sense. Seasons when we find ourselves uttering the words, 'why won’t he/she hear me?' 'How will we ever get through this?'

So, what do you do when that happens? Do you give up and hope that one day you will once again stumble upon another opportunity at amazing love? Or do you stay and fight?

                

                                 

Sometimes people drift apart. At times, pride gets in the way. But love is a decision. A decision to stay. Life will test you, and there may come a time when you will need to fight for that love.

Speaking of fighting, here is what I believe one needs to win the battle:

Loyalty

-         Isn't it the essence of true love? Being on the same team, fighting for the same result? A good friend can weep with you in times of trouble, but if your tears keep falling, and the sun remains set, it is the one who stays with you to the bitter end that loves you the most.

Compassion

-         Understanding the other person and how our words and actions impact the other’s ability to love and understand us. When we aim for the same resolution, it is easy to stop each other with compassion and understanding when a line is about to be crossed.

Trust/Respect/Communication

-        earned and built through honest communication, resisting the urge to entertain the negative voice which says, ‘do not believe anything they say.’

-          Broaching whatever subject with patience, love, and understanding.

-          Lay your cards on the table. Holding back = willing your partner to fail.

-         Giving clues on how to fill that hole by being honest about your feelings and thoughts. The truth may hurt but being on the same teams makes it easier to ride the tide. 

Reassurance

-          Reassuring each other of our devotion, commitment and love. Things may be hard right now, but if we know love and appreciation is there, then we are assured of their commitment to try no matter what.

Change.

-          Willingness to make amends, doing whatever needs to be done to improve the relationship.

-         Recognising that change does not happen overnight, therefore, giving the other person space and time to process everything.

-         Rewarding positive change; showing gratitude and being genuine in our thank yous. And when we change, remaining consistent.

Forgiveness

-        Genuine forgiveness does not keep dragging up the past when new conflicts arise. It is not that we fight, but it is how we fight.

Love gives you the courage to lay bare your soul and be vulnerable.         

Love is not the loudest voice in the crowd of supporters? It is the voice that is still there after the crowd has gone home. 

You can be diseased, stripped naked by the burdens of life; but it is the one who remains by your side that loves you the most. For how can genuine love only be shown when times are good?

That, Mystery Man, is what I think.

To the Man Who Will Love Me,

I don’t know who you are, where you are or what you’re going through right now, but this is from me to you.

Image from the internet

I’m a stickler for romance.

Even though I’ve been hurt in the past, I still believe in love. Not just any love, but real, guttural kind of love. Love that makes you weak at the knees.

Either that or my entire relationship with Mills and Boons, Harlequin and Silhouette was a lie?

You see, there was a time I could not get enough of romance novels. The time when my love affair with romance began. Even though I knew how each story would end, I felt an insatiable appetite for the clichés. I became starry-eyed, envisioning a great love written in the stars for me too.

Perhaps it was my fascination with the characters’ determination to navigate the pitted terrain of love that ignited my romantic idealism. How boy and girl conquered the challenges life threw at them.

And so, I figured, if the flawed characters portrayed in the novels I read were anything to go by, I had a pretty good chance at meeting you, the man of my dreams. You, the cliched tall, dark, handsome stranger destined to sweep me off my feet and sail into the sunset with me.

Thanks to These happy endings, I have relationship goals. Call me crazy. Why the hell not? I am woman enough with a lot of love to give. 

I am not naïve. Life has since taught me that nothing is handed to me on a silver platter. We do not always get what we want. And sometimes we have to fight for things.

Let’s face it, it would be easy for me to just crawl under a rock and hide behind the usual platitudes: a relationship does not define me. I don’t need a man. I can be happy and whole on my own. Jesus has my heart. 

I get all that, I really do.

But try telling that to my grandmother who has been married for sixty years. Try telling her about online dating, and how it has become the modern-day art form of throwing the handkerchief. 

I want to see you try explaining how we do the courtship dance while hiding behind the keyboard nowadays. How easy it is to end a relationship using the 'block' button.

You see, my grandmother cannot fathom how impossible it has become for us to meet, let alone establish a relationship. She would rather have me see a ‘sangoma’ to fix me and to hasten our union. 

My friends, out of love, tell me to get rid of ‘the list’. No man is perfect, or I will have to marry Jesus Christ himself, they say. 

Speaking of lists, my definition of love is:

-          Bearing all things, forgiving all things, trusting love to handle our deepest fears and desires, and always willing to support each other's dreams.

-          Allowing vulnerability and picking each other up when we fall.

-          The ability to see the tears behind each other’s smile.

-          The secret glance we share across the table, the twinkle in our eyes, the inside joke that explodes our lungs, but one that no one needs be privy to.

-          Willingness to fight, standing toe to toe until an issue is resolved.

-          Being patient, compassionate and kind.

-   Worrying about the other person.

-   Embracing flaws, warts and all.

-   Till death do us part.

There is more to this list, and I don't care what my friends say. Love is many things to different people, but one thing it is not is uncertain. Love just knows. I hope you will agree.

Someone once told me that love is not meant for everybody. They say, what are the chances
that all of us will meet the love of our lives and live happily ever? 

So, what are the chances that I will meet you, the love of my life? I shudder to think that you could be roaming this earth, scared, lonely, unable to find me, or worse, stuck in a relationship you have no business being in. 

Go figure.

And yet, despite that, I get myself out there and take the risk, trying to find you. I still cling to hope that one day, fate will unite us. I hope to God that when that happens, little damage would have been done.